“O Lord you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.” (Psalm 139:1-4)
I’ll admit that at first the thought of this was petrifying. Excuse me? He knows everything? Sheesh. Perhaps this is why I’ve spent so much time trying to hide from God, because I didn’t want to show him my true colors. Of course to no avail because let’s face it, it’s God were talking about. But in hindsight I think it was me I was hiding from. I didn’t want to face my true colors, I didn’t want to face the fact that I was a full blown alcoholic (as opposed to a partial blown?). Deep down I knew that God loved me in spite of all my faults, but could I love myself?
I used to think that my thoughts were autonomous. That they just came and went as they pleased, not having to answer to anyone. But I’ve determined this is not the case. We can control our thoughts, but only when we are willing to surrender our hearts and minds to Jesus.
Instead of shaming myself for sinful, irrational, and downright weird thoughts, I’m begining to view these moments as opportunities to invite God in. To ask God to move my thoughts into a direction that so pleases him. It wasn’t until I started doing this that I realized just how difficult it is to follow God. No wonder so many people lose sight of Him! Left to my own devises I find myself thinking about what other people look like naked, whether or not I should spend $90 on a new backpack, or if I can eat space cake at the Amsterdam airport (just to name a few that I can recall). Then I have that what-would-Jesus-do moment of clarity and I’m like ew, stop it! Rewind, let’s think about something not so crazy.
But this is a constant battle day in and day out. Just like going to the gym everyday to train our bodies takes serious dedication, so does training our minds to focus on God.
“Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of age.” (Matthew 28:20)
Three years ago I surrendered my life to God and since that day I’ve had to surrender a million times more. Daily, hourly, by the minute I’ve had to surrender. Saying take me God, take all of me. Take my heart, my mind, my body. Shape me into the woman you created me to be. Show me your will. Never leave me. His love is infinite, like the stars in the sky, God’s love goes on and on and on, never seizing to amaze me.