I haven’t written in this devotional in almost three weeks. And although I still write in my journal and follow Sarah Young’s book of devotions, Jesus Calling, I haven’t felt compelled to write and publish anything here. For several reasons: 1) I’ve convinced myself I don’t have enough time, 2) the more days that pass the worse I feel about not keeping up with my entries, inevitably leading to writer’s block I can’t shake, 3) I’m torn between whether or not I should binge write and backdate all of my posts, which sort of feels like cheating so I just don’t write at all, 4) my entries have started to feel a bit forced and seemingly insignificant compared to the “real” problems of the world, and 5) quite frankly I don’t feel like I have anything worth writing about.
I realized I’ve lost track of the real reason I started this devotional in the first place. From the beginning, I said I would strive to write everyday, but I never promised. I said I would try not to drink, but I never promised. And although I’m almost 2 months sober, which is a blessing, I haven’t really been tested so it doesn’t seem like very much of a victory. After all, I was sober for almost 8 months and still managed to find myself back in the bottle.
Regardless of how uneventful my life seems at the moment, I have to keep writing. I’m going to write from the heart and not worry about who reads it or what people think about it, because frankly it’s not for anybody else, it’s for me. If I manage to reach some souls along the way, fantastic, if not, that’s okay too.